I have thought long and hard about psychology, emotions, mindset and motivation. There are thousands of methods, experts, and techniques from CBT to mindfulness. The whole area of expertise is the playground of highly trained and specialised clinical psychologists. These are the people who help us navigate our minds and behaviour but there are only a limited number of them. It takes years to train to reach the clinical level and New Zealand’s intake is only 75 per year into the programme.
Not many of us have the time or intellect to become a clinical psychologist, so if you have a friend who needs help to cope or deal with life, how can you help them? Is it possible to navigate your own life with more joy, as you encounter people and situations that challenge?
We all have needs which obviously include food, shelter, and security. We also need certainty and uncertainty. Whenever, we get too much of one thing and not enough of another we feel like something isn’t right. Our behaviour might change and in some cases this leads to problems or arguments with the people around us.
In some cases our needs can be served by the same person but there can be a conflict. Our partners for example are supposed to provide us with a sense of security and stability. This same person is our source of passion and desire which is driven by uncertainty, excitement and instability. You can see the obvious challenge here that requires an ongoing commitment by both people to satisfy both needs of a lifelong partnership.
A sense of ongoing unhappiness could be linked to unmet needs, whether its working in the wrong job, being with a partner who shows you no attention or an inability to do the things you are passionate about. When the kids start stressing out your partner and he/she presents as overwhelmed and agitated, what they are saying is my need for alone time to recharge is not being met. Equally, they might feel separated from there partner or children and need dedicated time to reconnect. The key thing is that we are aware, acknowledge and adjust our lives to accomodate these unmet needs. When you or someone else is feeling emotional, there is a simple way that you can help the situation. Focus on identifying what needs are not being met.
Many relationships turn unmet needs into disagreements. This is because in not so many words…when one person says “I have unmet needs” the other person gets drawn into an emotional pinball like debate where the ego says “this is my fault.” The challenge for the supporting person is to put their ego aside, recognise their love and care for this person and approach the situation with absolute compassion. In a state of absolute compassion you can show up for the other person and avoid the downward spiral trap of shame and blame that removes the possibility of resolving unmet needs.
When presented with someone in your life who is struggling with their emotions, simply ask, what does this person need right now? Is it love, comfort, stability, uncertainty, time alone, time with others. What needs are not being met? Once you can identify their key unmet needs you can talk about how to make a change for the better.
